The Best of 2004!

Atheist Sees Virgin Mary in Tortilla, Sues Cafeteria
By David Sklar

Esperanza Schopenhauer, 26, was serving herself lunch at the cafeteria of a state-run university when she found a tortilla that contained the image of the Virgin Mary. Schopenhauer, an atheist for the past 2 years, promptly contacted the American Civil Liberties Union.

"I've been waiting for a sign like this all my life," said Schopenhauer. "I don't understand why it had to come now--and at a state-run institution, no less. I really don't think that's appropriate."

Schopenhauer originally hoped for a cash settlement, but the ACLU had other plans.

"The university has an obligation," said ACLU attorney Clarence Marrow, "to remove the tortilla to a privately owned facility, where its presence will not constitute a government endorsement of religion."

However, in the time it took to file the lawsuit, many people came to the cafeteria and worship. The Christ's Disciples Foundation for Religious Freedom has countersued, saying that removal of the tortilla would violate the Constitutional rights of these worshippers. "America was founded for religious freedom," said Judith Priest, spokeswoman for the Christ's Disciples Foundation, "and that means the freedom of good Christian people to worship whatever they want to, wherever they want to worship.

"In today's America, freedom of religion seems to be reserved for pagans and heathens," Priest added, referring to the failure of an earlier campaign to have salt removed from the cafeteria after CDFRF members learned salt was sometimes used in Wiccan rituals.

The federal government, in line with its new _____ mandate, threatened to revoke the school's funding if the tortilla is removed. "The people who come to worship this tortilla have a faith that borders on idolatry," said Harry Iscariot of the Treasury Department. "And idolatry is protected under freedom of religion. So long as it's Christian idolatry," he added, but later recanted, saying Jews and Muslims are also free to worship graven images, provided they not strap explosives to their bodies.

The ACLU planned initially to press on with the suit, suggesting that the cafeteria be designated a "free-manifestation zone, where other religious icons would also be permitted to appear in a designated list of food items. However, the ACLU dropped the suit when their own panel of experts failed to agree on whose image in fact appeared in the tortilla. Other faces seen included the Buddha, Richard Nixon, and one panelist's ex-girlfriend from the 7th grade.

The tortilla has since been moved to a glass case in the cafeteria, which may get a sign underneath it if the factions involved can agree on an appropriate wording. So far, "Who do you say that I am?" has been rejected as too religious and "What do you see in this tortilla?" as too secular. The currently favored wording appears to be "The Blessed Virgin--or whoever."

The university has decided, in light of this controversy, to step up plans to privatize its cafeteria. "Let Starbucks deal with this crap," said the director of food services, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Schopenhauer, meanwhile, continues to seek legal relief. She is currently suing the ACLU for dropping her case and has also filed for a restraining order against the Virgin Mary.

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