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The Cynic Online Magazine's
The Best Of 2008
Features


So You Wanna be Vegan?
By Christine Stoddard -- Contributing Author [Email This Story]

The makes-your-tongue-itchy granola, the tasteless tofu that leaves your mouth dry, the lumpy soymilk that clumps up your throat like mucus---these are the delicious menu items a vegan encounters day after day because eating already-dead animals is cruel and inhumane.

Perhaps your juicy hamburgers and double fudge ice cream sundaes are just so unappealing that you, too, will become a vegan. Maybe you are afraid of offending a pot roastís ghost and have decided that itís time for you to stop eating anything that once Ďmooed,í even if it Ďmoosí no longer. But take heed, my aspiring hippie! Becoming a vegan is far more complicated than simply restricting your diet to cardboard-flavored foods. Becoming vegan means changing your whole lifestyle. So keep these pointers in mind to decide if you truly wanna be vegan . . . ya know, just so you fit in with the rest of the sunflower seed munchers:

*Pierce your body : Because while itís not okay to hurt a chicken, itís okay to hurt yourself. Be sure to choose the most painful spot on your body to symbolize that you alone will suffer for all of the pigs humans have slaughtered over the past 30, 000 years.

*Wear thrift shop clothes: Why? ĎCause itís cool and cheap and makes you seem a lot less vain than you really are because being vegan isnít about upholding a radical chic image at all. And of course itís far more likely that clothes designed before synthetic materials were even invented would contain said materials. After all, itís not like they used wool in the 1940ís.

*Eat a donut: Letís be honest, folks. No one can survive solely on lemon grass and buckwheat, so itís okay to cheat once in a while. Go ahead---grab that donut, even if it was deep-fried in creamy animal fat. At least itís not a rack of lamb! Besides---whoís gonna know?

*Give long lectures to everyone at your school cafeteria: If youíre a vegan, you have to love to talk . . .  a lot. Stand up periodically during lunch hour to make Suzy from your math class feel uncomfortable about that meat ravioli sheís eating. Thatís right---humiliate her in front of everyone! Step up on your chair and shout down at her, loudly enough for everyone to hear, so that they all know what sheís doing in unjust to animals everywhere. Everyone will want to be your friend after that. Itís guaranteed.

*Burn fur: If PETA can throw animal blood on Mariah Carey for wearing fur coats, then you can be even more extreme by burning fur coats. All you need are a couple of matches, your Aunt Berthaís hideous mink, a few friends as witnesses, and maybe a video camera. After all, whatís more fun than playing with fire?

*Take a bus to work: Anyone who has enough compassion for animals to boycott all shampoos containing egg or honey should be as willing to protect the place where the animals live: the environment. That requires not riding a big-a$$ S.U.V., which is something many vegans seem to accidentally forget. Donít be one of them. Seriously---no one likes a hypocrite.

*Get dreadlocks (but only if youíre white) : Dreadlocks on white kids are apparently very progressive. Itís gives you an alternative edge since itís obviously not something your straight blonde hair is not meant to do naturally. Of course, eating an all-vegan diet is not something the human body is meant to do naturally, either, but that doesnít seem to matter. Itís cool to do it, anyway.

As a vegan, people will probably criticize you---and rightfully so. But hopefully these tips will help being a minority by choice a little easier. If not, then shut up and just eat a steak. Maybe people will start to like you again.

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