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The Cynic Online Magazine's
The Best Of 2008
Features


Are You Bronze- Worthy?
By Diane Steinbach -- Staff Writer [Email This Story]

I was recently looking at some photos from a friendís trip to Germany and came across a photograph of a Bronze statue of Sebastian Bach. It was a beautiful tribute to a great composer and I immediately thought to myself "how can I get one?"

I donít want my own personal bronze statue of Bach. I want a bronze statue of me.

Getting a statue of myself made wouldnít be a problem if I just wanted to have one for my own enjoyment. I imagine with enough money and connections a person could get anything made in bronze if they wanted too. Baby booties, car keys, a favorite cat. I have seen "How Do They Do That" on the Discovery channel and at this point I think I have the bronzing process down. I also feel confident that I can make Jelly Bellies and light bulbs as well. Maybe I am delusional, or just overconfident in my own abilities. I donít know. Thatís for you to decide.

My point is (and I do have one,) that I donít want to just have a bronze statue of myself made for my own vain, self- indulgence. I want to do something bronze-worthy. Here are some of my ideas of how to achieve this.

1.Kill all the zombies. The undead are all around us (think about it . . . ) and having been inspired by the many zombie related films and books, I am pretty sure I can get myself into the kind of shape I need to kick some zombie ass. That and I know a guy in the arms business . . .  so I got that going for me. Surely saving the world from the flesh eating masses would inspire some town somewhere to dedicate a bronze statue to me.

2.Knit a scarf for North Korea. My theory is that North Korea is so angry because their collective necks are cold from drafty apartments and what not. Hence, since I have been knitting now for six full months, I am sure that I can create a scarf that is warm enough to take the chill off of North Korea and lead to a Peace Summit that will calm the nerves of democracies everywhere. Knitting for peace would certainly win a bronze statue in my memory. Perhaps with knitting needles in hand.

3.Share my recipe for crab cakes. They are very good.

4.Get killed by pirates. Now, this one is a bit tricky, but I think with enough planning I can get myself killed by the elusive 21 century pirate in such a way that I would be deemed a hero and make myself bronze-worthy. Unfortunately, this plan involves most likely both my death, and the necessary near-death of an orphan or a puppy. I will get back to you on the details later.

So I have several ideas here as you can see, all I am sure will make me bronze-worthy. Itís not easy to come up with ideas since I donít have any special talents, wonít be president of anything and am not Oprah (I am sure she has a bronze statue in the making any day now . . . ) but having the idea is the first step.

It is my hope that someday, years or decades from now, two people will be looking through a photo album of someone trip to Kentucky or wherever I will make my greatest mark, and say, "Ohhhh . . .  is that the bronze statue of Diane Steinbach?" I can almost feel the pigeon poop now . . . 

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Are You Bronze- Worthy?
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