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The Cynic Online Magazine's
The Best Of 2008
Features


The Plus Sizes Protest Against Jessica Simpson
By Mark Kentish Smith -- Contributing Author [Email This Story]

I am angry -- very angry. I am, what is known as, a ‘diametrically challenged’ man. In layman’s terms, I’m generously built. Now, just yesterday, as I eased down into my nearly-new, molded, leather effect couch, I was reminded of that famous saying by, I think it was Karl Marx, maybe Richard Marx, ‘Fat people really know how to make a big impression.’ I’m living proof of that. I’m a local character way down in Woopsyburg, Tennessee. Yes I am. And on that couch I felt I could make that big impression. ‘What?’ You cry. Well, good question.

You see, I decided to lose some weight. I knew I could trim back a few pounds here and there- especially there. And I was dead set, the only way I could lose those pounds was to get me some kinda workout DVD. But I needed a strong, motivating woman to help me, to urge me on when times got hard, preferably a blonde. I immediately thought of Jessica Simpson.

Let me tell you, I’m a big fan. She proved herself a big-time contender early with ‘Newlyweds’. Man I even bought her clip-in hair extensions, and I’m a balding man of around 40. I stuck them on my chin. She inspired me. She told me I should go to Pizza Hut. I did. She sang, ‘These boots are made for walkin’ ‘. Well I bought the boots (although I didn’t walk in them yet). Really, I love Jessica. I love her much in the same way a toilet loves a flush- it’s a kinda gushing applause. Now Jessica wants to block its release (the DVD release, not a toilet release. She’d just go I reckon). I could not believe it. I nearly choked on my pizza. After all, I had already invested heavily in neoprene shorts (royal blue with pullcord waistband and layered heat retention for maximum groinal warmth). My best friend ‘No Limit’ Lara was also good to go in her powerlite shorts (with power mesh for improved breathability). She said they promised ‘amazing stretch and recovery’. Well, I told her, it’s true. Seeing her in those shorts we all sure got a glimpse of the amazing stretch- now we’re in recovery. Whoa!! Just a little joke. Anyway, where was I? We’re not happy! It’s time to protest. I am going to make the following suggestion:

On a certain date (tbd), at a certain time (tbd) we are to meet at an as yet unspecified Jessica Simpson location, in our finest aerobic outfits. I want a sea of lycra out there straining under the pressure of enclosing thousands of pounds of ‘fun dough’. And in our outfits we will chase Jessica around the city (probably in cars) demanding she help us shed the pounds. We want her workouts. Alex Astilean (video company owner) says that she is hurting millions of fat people in America. So we should get a good crowd if the weather’s nice. It may be a long day so bring your own food.

Together we can make a difference. Jessica needs to get us thin. She owes us. After all, you can’t sell pizzas to people and then not help the people who eat them. So there. If Man is but a ‘speck of dust’ (Paul Anka) then we are more like dust bunnies, wrapped in lycra, chasing someone around demanding a workout video. Join me!

(Date and time and place to follow)

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More 2008 Best of Features
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A Fallen Comrade
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America --
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An Open Letter to Prince Albert II of Monaco
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Are You Bronze- Worthy?
by Diane Steinbach

Awake Into A Dream
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Big Secrets
by Benjamin Matvey

Chained to the Treadmill
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Cracker Nation
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Cuisine by Candlelight...Maybe I Could Cater
by Jim Whitaker

Diet Soda Can Kill You
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God Almighty: Good Enough for Northwestern
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Hashimoto's Hold the MSG
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How Guns n Roses Ruined My Questionable Reputation
by Diane Steinbach

Me for Veep
by WR Marshall

OK, Little Girl, Drag It Down Here and Don't Forget the Toolbox
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Osama’s Farce Haven
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Reinventing the Wheel for Fun and PROFIT!
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So You Wanna be Vegan?
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Sohei
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The Ark Project
by Clifford A Hui

The Epic Quest of Big Epicness
by Christopher Schmitz

The Gloaming
by Kris Williams

The Messenger
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The Other Night with Savannah
by Jim Whitaker

The Plus Sizes Protest Against Jessica Simpson
by Mark Kentish Smith

The Price of Ginseng
by HR Williams
 
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Alec Baldwin Advocates Eating One's Pets
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Craig Caught in Stall with Ahmadinejad
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No One Surprised When Local Man Arrested For Serial Murder
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Number of Bear Cubs in Single Mother Homes Astronomical
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PETA Protests at Pole
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Porn Distributors to Preemptively Bid on Miley Cyrus Sex Tape
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Suicide by Ice Cream Sandwich
by Tom O’Donnell

USPS Message to Osama Bin Laden
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