Craig Caught in Stall with Ahmadinejad
By David Sklar -- Contributing Author
Kennedy International Airport, New York, NY
In a surprise raid that surprised almost no one, airport security captured Iowa Senator Larry Craig tapping boots with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in an airport bathroom. Said Craig, "This man is a dangerous terrorist . . . or potential funder of terrorists. I was trying to wrestle him into submission. It's not my fault our clothes came off in the struggle. Really, I was just trying to tell him he had something on his shoe. I was intimidated because he's . . . um . . . short. You're profiling me because I'm a senator. I won't say any more until my lawyer tells me which story I should stick to."
This incident may shed new light on the U.S. visit in which Ahmadinejad proclaimed that homosexuality does not exist in his country. "Here we thought he was boasting about it," says Dr Haydn Fettish of the Society for the Study of the Sexual Idiosyncrasies of Extremists, "when in fact he was just complaining because he couldn't get any back home."
Ahmadinejad's press secretary, Ismail Onmailakshin, offered another explanation. "Your language is so full of slang," Onmailakshin said; our dictionaries cannot keep up. "When President Ahmadinejad said that no one in Iran is gay, he did not mean homosexual; he only meant that no one there is particularly cheerful."
Senator Craig gave a similar explanation for his well-known "I am not gay" speech. "I don't know what's wrong," said Craig. "I have all the ingredients of happiness--a sham marriage, anonymous sex, and a career based on lies--but somehow I just don't feel fulfilled. I must not be doing it right."
In the end, Airport Security released both men without charges--Ahmadinejad because of diplomatic immunity, and Craig because he was just too pathetic. Said Security Chief Ben Dover, "It just didn't seem sporting."