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The Cynic Online Magazine's
The Best Of 2008
Farce


No One Surprised When Local Man Arrested For Serial Murder
By Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer 

It came as a shock to absolutely no one when Xavier Tompkins, 42, Lincoln, NE, was arrested on suspicion of being the "Spine Rape Killer." According to friends, family, coworkers, and people who have sat next to him on the bus, they could easily imagine that Tompkins would perpetrate such a gruesome series of homicides.

Sgt. Clay Blair, LPD officer and cousin to Tompkins, remembers him as a creepy, antisocial child who unnerved all around him. "I wanted to arrest him as soon as I joined the force, but unfortunately there isn't a statute against being an eerie, psychopathic dude with way too much interest in horror films and a collection of knives." Sgt. Blair lamented the fact that it took the death of thirty-three prostitutes, strippers, coeds, and hobos to reach a conclusion that "anyone could see coming a mile away."

Mabel Tompkins, Xavier's elderly mother, expressed a sense of finality upon hearing the news. "I always wondered what awful, awful thing Xavy would do, and now I know. I'm relieved, I expected more something awfuler." Her thoughts and feelings about being the mother of a serial murderer, plus her award winning recipe for banana nut bread, will be recorded in a forthcoming book, set to be published by True Crime Presses early next year.

While the toll his horrendous crimes have taken on the community are just now coming to light, Tompkins' future appears to be as clearly defined as the rest of his life trajectory. A sensational trial will lead Tompkins to a death sentence, followed by a jailhouse marriage to a troubled female admirer with a severely shattered sense of self, ending with Tompkins living out his dream of dying after being shivved with a sharpened toothbrush.


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A Fallen Comrade
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Chained to the Treadmill
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Cracker Nation
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Diet Soda Can Kill You
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God Almighty: Good Enough for Northwestern
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Hashimoto's Hold the MSG
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How Guns n Roses Ruined My Questionable Reputation
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Me for Veep
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OK, Little Girl, Drag It Down Here and Don't Forget the Toolbox
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Osama’s Farce Haven
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Reinventing the Wheel for Fun and PROFIT!
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So You Wanna be Vegan?
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Sohei
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The Ark Project
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The Epic Quest of Big Epicness
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The Gloaming
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The Messenger
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The Other Night with Savannah
by Jim Whitaker

The Plus Sizes Protest Against Jessica Simpson
by Mark Kentish Smith

The Price of Ginseng
by HR Williams
 
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Aerosmith Narrowly Averts Decent Album
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Alec Baldwin Advocates Eating One's Pets
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Craig Caught in Stall with Ahmadinejad
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No One Surprised When Local Man Arrested For Serial Murder
by Bill Shepherd

Number of Bear Cubs in Single Mother Homes Astronomical
by Bill Shepherd

PETA Protests at Pole
by Joanne Schiffbauer

Porn Distributors to Preemptively Bid on Miley Cyrus Sex Tape
by Bill Shepherd

Suicide by Ice Cream Sandwich
by Tom O’Donnell

USPS Message to Osama Bin Laden
by Philbert of Macadamia
 

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