Alec Baldwin Advocates Eating One's Pets
By Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author
A decade after ending his relationship with Kim Basinger, actor Alec Baldwin has decided to run for President as the first candidate of the JUST DO IT Party. "Call me crazy as Kim," Baldwin said during his first press conference at the East Hampton Kennel Club, "but now that my head has cleared, I see what's wrong with the world, and how to fix it. First thing we do, see, is outlaw and barbecue all pets. We store half the freeze-dried meat in the event some Arab kook gets nuclear with us, and the other half will feed all those starving lice-infected folks in Africa who don't even have dog food to eat, just sand. The next thing we do is bomb Mecca. Finally, step three is we lop off the gonads of any deadbeat dads, repeat felony offenders, and Republicans caught with their pants down. Now, do I have your vote?" Everyone in the audience was aghast except for a VP of NIKE, who clapped and whistled.