Get Published. Write For Us.
The Cynic Online Magazine
 
Home Poetry News Humor Archives About
 
 
Cafe Del Soul
FarceHaven
Comics
MySpace Group
The Archives
Submissions
About
Contact Us
The Cynic Online Magazine's
The Best Of 2008
Features


Hashimoto's Hold the MSG
By Diane Steinbach -- Staff Writer [Email This Story]

I have Hashimoto's.

I know, it sounds like some kind of spicy Szechwan dish involving shrimp and pork, but it is actually a much less tasty thyroid disease. Thyroid issues seem to be really common these days, so I am not too concerned about it, although I do have a theory that alien intelligence has something to do with it.

I was first diagnosed with this disease while living in Kentucky. My constant complaining of tiredness and feeling cold didn't gather any sympathy from doctors in the past, but I guess it was the swelling of the base of my neck that finally got someone to take me seriously. I had to get an ultrasound and the news was expected. Cysts on my thyroid.

Cysts is a nice way of saying goiter. Yes, I, too, had immediate images of that Seinfeld episode where Elaine visits an elderly lady with a goiter the size of a football on her neck. Elaine was horrified, and I feared I was soon to become too horrible to behold. Oh, the humanity!

Luckily for me, there are medicines that stop the giant goiter from taking over my otherwise swan-like neck. Whew. Then it was off to see a specialist, an endocrinologist.

Now, although this Louisville doc looked a bit like Einstein, he was no where near him in the brains or charm department. He welcomed me to the "goiter belt."

"Why is that?" I asked, "are there a lot of thyroid problems in Kentucky?"

"Yup." He replied.

"Why?" I wondered.

"Inbreeding."

He said it, not I.

Then, when it came to deciding what to do about my goiterliscious dilemma, he said, "Well, we can go OJ Simpson on it and just rip it out of your throat."

I met my husband at the car.

So, now having moved to Minnesota mid-treatment I had to find yet another doctor to follow me on this glandular odyssey. I made an appointment and waited for the blood to spill.

Fortuitously, I just happened to be sick at the time of my doctor's appointment, so although I was going for the thyroid issue, my throat was sore and my regular throaty type glands were swollen to the size of kiwi. (Keep that image in mind next time you shop for kiwi.)

I met the doctor and although I was interested in his treatment plan to keep me goiter-free, I really wanted him to check out my swollen glands and give me some help for the severely sore throat I was suffering with.

I mentioned my swollen glands to the nurse as she took my blood pressure. She wasn't interested. Obviously she didn't know what she was missing. My swollen glands were impressively swollen.

I mentioned it to the doctor as we began my exam. He didn't seem to care. Didn't he notice how huge my glands were? They were spectacular! A real study onto themselves!

"Feel them" I screamed in my head as his hands inspected my thryroid. "Touch the gigantic glands!"

He wouldn't. I tell ya. I was circus side-show material and no one seemed to care!

Anyway, glands ignored I left the office and bought some Sudaphed. Screw-em.

So, now 30 pounds heavier thanks to the lack of metabolism and disfigured from my medically ignored swollen glands, I sit here in my house hiding from society and further develop my alien invasion theory. Thank goodness for internet chats, everyone there thinks I am normal and look like Pamela Anderson.

She's got some swollen glands too doesn't she? I guess I am in good company.

Enjoy this item? Send it on to a friend [Email This Story]


More 2008 Best of Features
2048
by Lee Gimenez

A Fallen Comrade
by Wayne Scheer

America --
The ‘New’ Old Germany

by WR Marshall

An Open Letter to Prince Albert II of Monaco
by Tom Johansmeyer

Are You Bronze- Worthy?
by Diane Steinbach

Awake Into A Dream
by Nathaniel Fincham

Big Secrets
by Benjamin Matvey

Chained to the Treadmill
by Sola Biu

Cracker Nation
by WR Marshall

Cuisine by Candlelight...Maybe I Could Cater
by Jim Whitaker

Diet Soda Can Kill You
by Peter Schwartz

God Almighty: Good Enough for Northwestern
by Tom Jemielity

Hashimoto's Hold the MSG
by Diane Steinbach

How Guns n Roses Ruined My Questionable Reputation
by Diane Steinbach

Me for Veep
by WR Marshall

OK, Little Girl, Drag It Down Here and Don't Forget the Toolbox
by Jim Whitaker

Osama’s Farce Haven
by RW Maynard

Reinventing the Wheel for Fun and PROFIT!
by Bob Redpath

So You Wanna be Vegan?
by Christine Stoddard

Sohei
by Pembroke Sinclair

The Ark Project
by Clifford A Hui

The Epic Quest of Big Epicness
by Christopher Schmitz

The Gloaming
by Kris Williams

The Messenger
by Lee Gimenez

The Other Night with Savannah
by Jim Whitaker

The Plus Sizes Protest Against Jessica Simpson
by Mark Kentish Smith

The Price of Ginseng
by HR Williams
 
More 2008 Best of FarceHaven Tribune
Aerosmith Narrowly Averts Decent Album
by Bill Shepherd

Alec Baldwin Advocates Eating One's Pets
by Jonathan Lowe

Craig Caught in Stall with Ahmadinejad
by David Sklar

No One Surprised When Local Man Arrested For Serial Murder
by Bill Shepherd

Number of Bear Cubs in Single Mother Homes Astronomical
by Bill Shepherd

PETA Protests at Pole
by Joanne Schiffbauer

Porn Distributors to Preemptively Bid on Miley Cyrus Sex Tape
by Bill Shepherd

Suicide by Ice Cream Sandwich
by Tom O’Donnell

USPS Message to Osama Bin Laden
by Philbert of Macadamia
 

More 2008 Best of Cafe Del Soul
Affairs of the Night
by Karim Hetherington

Amaranthine
by Timothy Loney

Bequeath Of Me
by Darryn John Murphy

Conjuring
by Louie Crew

Fleur de lis Nights
by Charlene Howard

Into the Black
by Terry Hamel

Music Appreciation
by Michael Keshigian

Nocturne in a Purple Bar
by GK Thomas

Soul Storm
by Julia Newbern

Stormy Silence
by Rachelle Renken

That Little Boy
by Kenneth Mushrow

The Cadence of Earth
by Joanna M Weston

The Pledge of Allegiance
by Gregory Jonathan Hill

There Beneath the Northern Sky
by Daniel Freeman

Thief
by Michael Keshigian

To Beauty Pageant Judges
by Gerald Bosacker

Vortex 1
by Lindsey Terrell

Wonder Drug
by Mark Joslyn

You Say Obama I Say Osama
by Rick Doehring