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The Cynic Online Magazine's
The Best Of 2008
Farce


Number of Bear Cubs in Single Mother Homes Astronomical
By Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer 

A shocking study of the marital habits of America's bears, conducted in concert by the US Wildlife Service, the Census Bureau, and Teddy Graham snacks, found the number of bear cubs living in single parent households, almost exclusively with their mothers, to be nearly 100%. The few exceptions being found in the circus industry, where bears are typically single, childless, and gay.

Experts in childhood psychology and demography are predicting an explosion of bear related violence in the coming generations, a pronouncement which has sent a shock wave through the salmon community. In addition to high rates of violence, the current epidemic level of dysfunction in ursine society is expected to lead to poor academic performance (most cubs do not read up to grade level), high rates of depression (often characterized by long periods spent in bed), and an increase in teen pregnancy, which will only serve to perpetuate the current trends in bear illegitimacy.

In an effort to stem the tide, Congress is considering a wide range of options, from the repeal of abstinence only sex-ed to a restructuring of the welfare system to encourage fathers to stay in the den. The Emergency Ursine Rescue of Act of 2008 is currently being debated in the House, but talks are stalled due to overspending and a tough election year situation for lawmakers.


More 2008 Best of Features
2048
by Lee Gimenez

A Fallen Comrade
by Wayne Scheer

America --
The ‘New’ Old Germany

by WR Marshall

An Open Letter to Prince Albert II of Monaco
by Tom Johansmeyer

Are You Bronze- Worthy?
by Diane Steinbach

Awake Into A Dream
by Nathaniel Fincham

Big Secrets
by Benjamin Matvey

Chained to the Treadmill
by Sola Biu

Cracker Nation
by WR Marshall

Cuisine by Candlelight...Maybe I Could Cater
by Jim Whitaker

Diet Soda Can Kill You
by Peter Schwartz

God Almighty: Good Enough for Northwestern
by Tom Jemielity

Hashimoto's Hold the MSG
by Diane Steinbach

How Guns n Roses Ruined My Questionable Reputation
by Diane Steinbach

Me for Veep
by WR Marshall

OK, Little Girl, Drag It Down Here and Don't Forget the Toolbox
by Jim Whitaker

Osama’s Farce Haven
by RW Maynard

Reinventing the Wheel for Fun and PROFIT!
by Bob Redpath

So You Wanna be Vegan?
by Christine Stoddard

Sohei
by Pembroke Sinclair

The Ark Project
by Clifford A Hui

The Epic Quest of Big Epicness
by Christopher Schmitz

The Gloaming
by Kris Williams

The Messenger
by Lee Gimenez

The Other Night with Savannah
by Jim Whitaker

The Plus Sizes Protest Against Jessica Simpson
by Mark Kentish Smith

The Price of Ginseng
by HR Williams
 
More 2008 Best of FarceHaven Tribune
Aerosmith Narrowly Averts Decent Album
by Bill Shepherd

Alec Baldwin Advocates Eating One's Pets
by Jonathan Lowe

Craig Caught in Stall with Ahmadinejad
by David Sklar

No One Surprised When Local Man Arrested For Serial Murder
by Bill Shepherd

Number of Bear Cubs in Single Mother Homes Astronomical
by Bill Shepherd

PETA Protests at Pole
by Joanne Schiffbauer

Porn Distributors to Preemptively Bid on Miley Cyrus Sex Tape
by Bill Shepherd

Suicide by Ice Cream Sandwich
by Tom O’Donnell

USPS Message to Osama Bin Laden
by Philbert of Macadamia
 

More 2008 Best of Cafe Del Soul
Affairs of the Night
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Amaranthine
by Timothy Loney

Bequeath Of Me
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Fleur de lis Nights
by Charlene Howard

Into the Black
by Terry Hamel

Music Appreciation
by Michael Keshigian

Nocturne in a Purple Bar
by GK Thomas

Soul Storm
by Julia Newbern

Stormy Silence
by Rachelle Renken

That Little Boy
by Kenneth Mushrow

The Cadence of Earth
by Joanna M Weston

The Pledge of Allegiance
by Gregory Jonathan Hill

There Beneath the Northern Sky
by Daniel Freeman

Thief
by Michael Keshigian

To Beauty Pageant Judges
by Gerald Bosacker

Vortex 1
by Lindsey Terrell

Wonder Drug
by Mark Joslyn

You Say Obama I Say Osama
by Rick Doehring