Number of Bear Cubs in Single Mother Homes Astronomical
By Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer
A shocking study of the marital habits of America's bears, conducted in concert by the US Wildlife Service, the Census Bureau, and Teddy Graham snacks, found the number of bear cubs living in single parent households, almost exclusively with their mothers, to be nearly 100%. The few exceptions being found in the circus industry, where bears are typically single, childless, and gay.
Experts in childhood psychology and demography are predicting an explosion of bear related violence in the coming generations, a pronouncement which has sent a shock wave through the salmon community. In addition to high rates of violence, the current epidemic level of dysfunction in ursine society is expected to lead to poor academic performance (most cubs do not read up to grade level), high rates of depression (often characterized by long periods spent in bed), and an increase in teen pregnancy, which will only serve to perpetuate the current trends in bear illegitimacy.
In an effort to stem the tide, Congress is considering a wide range of options, from the repeal of abstinence only sex-ed to a restructuring of the welfare system to encourage fathers to stay in the den. The Emergency Ursine Rescue of Act of 2008 is currently being debated in the House, but talks are stalled due to overspending and a tough election year situation for lawmakers.