My husband recently had hip replacement surgery. At 41 neither of us expected to be faced with such an extensive surgery/hospital stay/ and recovery, but take one part motorcycle and 2 parts idiot with a suspended license, and viola, there ya are.

Having worked in the long term care field for over 15 years, things like walkers, crutches, and the other usual grouping of medical devices and equipment didn’t really faze me. My 7 years as a dental assistant also, I feel, prepared me for changing dressings and gazing lovingly at a foot long surgical scar. What I wasn’t prepared was removing the surgical staples myself.

While at the hospital Norm’s therapist approached me with this offer. Try to get a man with a recent hip replacement into my Beetle and over to the doctors office for a 3 minute staple removal appointment, or take them out myself. I stood there, mouth agape, as she showed me the simple disposable tool -- yes, staple remover- and the pre printed instruction card. "Oh . . . it’s simple!" she assured me. I agreed, not wanting to look like a wussy, took the card and the "device" and began my preparations. I had three weeks.

Being generally anxiety ridden and untrusting of anyone’s assurances that something was "going to be easy," I began my quest for knowledge regarding how to remove surgical staples. Sure, I had the instruction card given to me, but three sentences on how to slide a tool underneath a staple that held my husband’s thigh together didn’t really seem to be enough.

I began my search through my handy -- dandy medical bible. This thing is huge, and filled to the brim with both traditional and alternative treatments for anything from abdominal pains to worms (hmmm . . . related?) It holds knowledge—and photos -- of such complex issues as oral thrush and plantars warts. Not that I ever needed to check out those particular chapters, I am merely trying to give you a feel for it. ANYWAY . . . . I found that my much referenced medical authority had nothing on the removal of surgical staples. My search continued.

Next step. The internet. Somehow my search for "surgical staple removal" came up with "naked lesbian pole dancing." Go figure. Upon further "googling" I found one step by step guide for staple removal . . . of course, the page was expired -- or the author got sued for malpractice or something. I was sorely disappointed. Nothing is worse than getting ones hopes up regarding free medical advice online and then finding the page expired. One interesting note: I did find a newspaper story with the headline "man’s intestines fall out after having surgical staples removed . . . " I didn’t mention this to Norm. Nor did I read it. Suffice it to say, I found no help on the internet either.

So, after weeks of research, I had to face the "event" without my usual reams of research and illustrated guides. I pulled out my instruction card, my removal device and put on a brave face for my husband. Knowing how much pain he had been in, I didn’t want to worry him with my insecurities about my ripping out of metal from his giant surgical site . . . so I just said, "Oh, it won’t be a big deal" and approached my target.

Time stood still as I approached the futuristic-Frankenstein looking area with my caveman-looking tool. The whole "man’s intestines fall out . . . " story briefly surfaced in my mind, as I wondered what was behind these metal brackets. What would happen if once removed he just popped open? They said to put steri-strips, also known as medical duct tape, across the incision right after I pulled the staples, but did they mean immediately after? What if I didn’t do it fast enough? The final torture scene from Braveheart mixed with the urban legends about spider eggs hatching inside people all rushed to the forefront of my mind as I slowly slide the first staple out.

It was no big deal. Kind of like pulling a nail out of a bratwurst . . . not that I have had to do that . . . I am merely trying to give you a feel for it. ANYWAY.

Now, with this experience under my belt -- which I will have to remember to add to my resume’- I really feel like I can take on the world! When it comes to Surgical Staples vs. Diane, Diane remains victorious! So, if any of you are ever faced with a challenge such as this—well, this specifically, feel free to write. I think I would be more helpful than the "naked lesbian pole dancing," website, although somewhat less entertaining.