In a much-anticipated surprise shake-up of White House staff, President Bush has announced the resignation of Press Secretary Scott McClellan and White House Chief of Staff Whatshisname. To show the American public that these changes are more than cosmetic, the President has also accepted resignations from his hairdresser, his manicurist, and his gardener.

"This is huge," exclaimed Jonathan Sloe of the League of Gullible Voters. "I mean, this is going to change everything."

McClellan will be succeeded by Fox News pundit Tony Snow. Snow celebrated his new position by announcing his engagement to Apple CEO Steve Jobs. Following a small ceremony in Boston, Snow will change his name to Tony Snow-Jobs. This announcement indicates a departure from McClellan’s "Don’t Ask Don’t Tell" policy when addressing the media on the topic of. . . well. . . anything.

Karl Rove, formerly known as "Bush's Brain," has been reassigned to the position of "Bush's Spleen." Mr. Rove will retain his current salary, and his primary function will still be the production of bile.

The President has further announced that when the twins are home from college, Jenna will sleep in Barbara's room and Barbara will sleep in Jenna's.

Official whipping boy John Kerry will be succeeded by Hilary Rodham Clinton, the first woman to occupy that post since Geraldine Ferraro. The position of Public Enemy No. 1, formerly occupied by Osama bin Laden, will now be filled by Cat Stevens.

To reduce apparent conflicts of interest, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has canceled plans to go duck hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney--at least, Justice Scalia has not denied that conflict of interest is his reason for canceling plans. No response had yet been received regarding the Vice President's offer to instead go wabbit hunting with Justice John Paul Stevens. However, this remains a more positive response than was received following Cheney's offer to go coon hunting with Senator Barack Obama.

The suggestion of wabbit hunting met with approval from Undersecretary of Vengeance Anya Jenkins, who retains her post despite having been killed by demons in the final episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. "Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes," Jenkins explained in a dream sequence, "they’ve got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses, and what’s with al the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?" Even in a dream sequence, Undersecretary Jenkins did not get the coon-hunting joke, and did not understand why it was offensive.

Former Homeland Security Spokesman Brian Doyle will be succeeded by Michael Brown. Doyle, who is awaiting trial for soliciting sex from a minor online, will go on to serve as liaison for faith-based initiatives.

Finally, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will now be Rumsfeld, Don, Secretary of Defense. United Nations Ambassador John Bolton will continue as Secretary of Offense.

Asked why the changes appear to focus on people who deal with the media, the new press secretary explained, "Well, the President’s ratings are in the toilet, and that’s obviously a problem with the way the media portrays him. "What the President needs," Snow-Jobs explained, is a rigorous defense of his policies to the media. Ideally, this defense should come from within the media, as it was pre-Katrina. I mean, Abe Lincoln said you can’t fool all of the people all of the time, but right now we’re not even fooling most of the people. That needs to change if the President wants to accomplish anything on his second-term agenda."