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February 2007 Volume 9 , Issue 2 submit to us!

by Jeremy "Basil" Dannebohm -- Contributing Author [Email This Story]

Crystal Pepsi  . . .  Pepsi AM  . . .  Pepsi Blue . . . Pepsi Buzz  . . .  Pepsi Fire  . . .  Pepsi Free  . . .  Pepsi Holiday Spice  . . .  Pepsi Ice  . . .  Pepsi Lime  . . .  Pepsi Max  . . .  Pepsi Raging Raspberry  . . .  Pepsi Razzleberry  . . .  Pepsi Si  . . .  Pepsi Strawberry Burst  . . .  Pepsi Tropical Chill  . . .  Pepsi Twist  . . .  Pepsi Vanilla  . . .  Pepsi Kona  . . .  Pepsi Latte  . . .  Pepsi X  . . .  Pepsi Wild Cherry  . . .  Diet Crystal Pepsi  . . .  Diet Pepsi AM  . . .  Pepsi Edge  . . .  Diet Pepsi Free  . . .  Diet Pepsi Kona  . . .  Pepsi Light  . . .  Diet Pepsi Light  . . .  Pepsi ONE  . . .  Diet Pepsi Twist  . . .  Diet Pepsi Vanilla  . . .  Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry  . . .  Pepsi XL  . . .  AND NOW  . . .  Diet Pepsi Jazz! (In Black Cherry & French Vanilla and Strawberries and Cream!)

The Pepsi Cola Company is a lot like some of my ex-girlfriends. (To my exes who read my work, remember, I said "some," not all, not you.)

Pepsi, like women, throughout its history has apparently comes in a variety of flavors, each one unique. In my experience, some have tasted pretty good, some have tasted pretty terrible, and one made me pee more than I would even care to elaborate on. In my experience, my past relationships have been very much like Pepsi, with the exception that I have never had an ex-girlfriend that caused frequent urination. (No  . . .  really  . . .  I’m serious!)

Initially, I’m always a little hesitant to give these "new flavors" a chance. I’ll pass by them in the supermarket a time or two, really check them out, but in the end walk on by, sticking with what is "comfortable" and "familiar" to me. In addition, as a rule of thumb, I generally have to find out what others have said about this new flavor before I’m willing to give it a try. I should also state that I’m always a little leery of Pepsi because I’m a very loyal Coke man.

After getting the scoop on the new flavor, mixed opinions of course, after a while I find myself caving in. You can’t blame me; this new flavor seems to be everywhere I go. The gas station, the grocery store, the department store, on my television, I am being surrounding me with images of this latest and greatest flavor; it’s clearly begging me to give it a try.

Generally, I like to start off slowly. I buy a small bottle; just get a feel for it. As I said before, sometimes it really sucks, other times its awesome. That’s where Pepsi and my ex-girlfriends seem to be very similar.

First, there was Crystal Pepsi  . . .  then there was Pepsi Blue  . . .  then there was Pepsi Fire  . . .  just as I started to really get into each beverage, what does the Pepsi Cola Company do? Almost overnight, the drink is gone without a trace. (Freud could have a great deal of fun with today’s column.) How could Pepsi do this to me? Certainly Pepsi Blue was an acquired taste, and let’s face it, not many people spoke too highly of it when I asked around. However, I’m fairly open minded, I decided, why not! And yes, at first I could see why people would have a problem with it. But in the end, I began to like Pepsi Blue, something about it felt good to me. Returning to the store to satisfy my thirst, I find it gone, replaced with RC Cola  . . .  who the hell wants RC Cola?

And now Pepsi comes crawling back to me with something new to try. This time in diet, so it’s good for me in some roundabout way. The name of this new flavor? Pepsi "Jazz." OOOOHHHHH Jazz! I love jazz! Wynton Marsalis, Miles Davis, Nina Simone, Etta James  . . .  Strawberries and Cream. Wait a moment, Strawberries and Cream sounds like some tree hugging group from the 1970s, not Jazz. Pepsi is already treading thin ice with me when they have desecrated such a sacred word as jazz.

It happened again, same old crap, different day. I passed by the "Jazz" in the grocery store a time or two, asked around blah blah blah. And again, I gave in to the allure and had a try. I was so daring I purchased a two liter of each new flavor: Strawberries and Cream and Black Cherry French Vanilla.

Without a doubt I can say Black Cherry and French Vanilla tastes worse than any beverage I have ever had in my life. If I were stuck with two choices, perspiration and Pepsi Black Cherry Jazz, I would take the sweat. This was certainly not worthy of the name "Jazz." In fact, in my opinion, Black Cherry French Vanilla needs to SCAT! (You get that jazz joke?)

Strawberries and Cream on the other hand is not quite so terrible. Yes, I’ve had better. Granted, it’s not Pepsi Blue, but not very bad at all. In fact, if you mix a little booze with it, Strawberries and Cream can be rather delightful. (Ironically, the same can be said of some dates I’ve been on.) I think if I were to give it a fair shot, perhaps Strawberries and Cream could in fact win my heart over much like other Pepsi has in the past. Perhaps, maybe, just maybe I would be "jazzed" about drinking it. Perhaps I could stop comparing it to the Pepsi of the past that only broke my heart.

No  . . .  No  . . .  No  . . .  I’ve learned my lesson. This time, I’m sticking with old faithful, the one who has never let me down. I’m remaining faithful to the beverage that is magnificent plain, with booze, or even with a handful of nuts. This time, I won’t cave in to the Pepsi Company and their latest technique to break my heart into a million pieces with their "here today, gone tomorrow" nonsense. Coca-Cola, my friend, my faithful companion, the one who has never let me down, to quote the Pussycat Dolls, "Nobody ever made me feel this way  . . .  Ima Stickwitchu."

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Features -- February 2007 -- Beginning Month Issue