As we all know, telling the truth comes easy to guys.

In fact, we deserve praise and adulation for our absolute refusal to tell falsehoods, even when the truth is so much harder to believe. But it’s all we have that really counts. Our integrity, you know. Like it’s really true that I was bitten on the nose by the rare winter mosquito. No way is it a zit.

And, contrary to rumor, I never get gas. Is it my fault that the dog gets all bloaty after I eat a couple tortillas with extra-hot spicy sauce? And when the dog’s not around, there’s some kind of atmospheric condition that fogs everybody’s glasses. I’m a guy, I’m good at science. Why would I deny this with such a flimsy excuse? Can I help it if we keep driving though towns that smell like Gary, Indiana? And is it my fault that when the windows are hastily opened, evidence suggests (falsely!) that the smell did not, in fact, originate from outside of the car?

We don’t get dogs because they help camouflage our stink. Dogs are our best friends because they are faithful and loyal. And they stick with us because they love and are bound to us, their Alpha males; not because they can tell what we ate from six feet away without having to stick their noses in our, um, opposite end.

Yeah, we guys watch beer commercials because we are seriously researching switching brands, not because of the scantily clad women in the commercials. We really do buy magazines just for the articles. Everybody knows mirrored sunglasses at the beach do a better job of repelling sand and sun. And of course, we had to go over the speed limit, because we had to get in front of the guy to warn him that his brights were on.

And forget how soap disappears faster from the women’s restrooms. We guys all wash our hands afterwards. I swear. We’re just more economical in our use of soap, because, as we know, soap comes from the rare and almost extinct Zest worm.

We’re helping nature.

I think women have a lot to learn from us. Don’t you?

Why do they really have to go to the restroom in pairs? What is it about panty hose that they can wear what basically amounts to shorts in Chicago winters? And what’s with Oprah? Guys don’t get Oprah.

Finally, there’re chick flicks. Nobody actually prefers a chick flick to a great special effects movie. We’d all rather watch our back hair grow, right? So what are they trying to do to us with these movies? Is it some kind of insidious mind-altering thing?

Yep, I think it’s pretty clear that we guys have it over women in the old truth-telling thing. We aren’t sneaky and insidious. There’s no subplot here. You get what you see with guys. We are moral, with exemplary hygienic standards.

Whoa, I gotta move, the dog just let one go.