The Closed-minded People’s Alliance has called for a nationwide boycott of Harry Potter books, movies, and merchandise because of what they consider author J.K. Rowling’s unfair portrayal of closed-minded people. Members of the CPA object to the portrayal of the Dursleys, a family of closed-minded people by whom the orphaned Harry Potter is raised until he discovers he has magical powers.

"Closed-minded people have always been the butt of jokes," says Greg Slump, director of the CPA, "and we don’t want to hear them. Those jokes couldn’t possibly do anyone any good, so they might as well not be told at all."

"The Dursleys are just exercising their right to shelter Harry from what they think is inappropriate," adds Anita Gris, treasurer of Closed-minded People for a Better Tomorrow. "And by the way, the name’s ‘GRIZZ,’ not ‘GREE’--I don’t know why people always get it wrong."

Many object to the harsh portrayal of closed-minded people. "We have the same rights as the rest of you reprobates," insists Phyllis Steen, who founded the Coalition of Closed-minded Christians in 1997. "Not all Christians are closed-minded," she explains when asked about the name of her group. "But we’re trying to change that."

Closed-minded people have already succeeded in getting Harry Potter books pulled from the shelves of numerous school libraries nationwide, and they don’t intend to stop there. "Children shouldn’t be reading these books anyway," Gris says. "Magic isn’t real, so why should kids be allowed to read stories that pretend it is? That’s just silly."

The Harry Potter books are not the first to be banned at the insistence of closed-minded people. Other books pulled from library shelves include The Catcher in the Rye, for its portrayal of a young man who rebels against closed-minded authority, and Huckleberry Finn, in which a boy learns to open his mind and see the escaped slave Jim as a real person.

"It’s a record we’re particularly proud of," says Slump. "There hasn’t been a book banned anywhere that didn’t have a closed-minded person behind it."

"The problem," says Dr. Harvey Bland of the Foundation for Closed-minded Research, "is that great literature is often written by imaginative people who have come into conflict with closed-mindedness before, and they take this out in their writing. Now if these people had just settled down and gotten a real job, this wouldn’t be a problem."

"They need us," insists Roger Blah, Professor of Closed-minded Studies at the University of Georgia. "Without closed-minded people, Madonna would have no one to shock, and James Dean would have had no one to rebel against. With this in mind, you would think those heathens would show us a little more respect."

"The real problem," says Slump, is that some people disagree with us. If everyone saw things our way, there wouldn’t be any need to argue."

"It’s our opinion," Gris explains, "and we have a right to impose it on you."