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May 2008 Volume 10 , Issue 5 submit to us!

by Tom Johansmeyer -- Contributing Author [Email This Story]

To His Serene Highness,

First, I enjoyed your wonderful country this past week. It is quite clean. In fact, your city-state's cleanliness is astounding. My wife and I live in fewer than 70 square meters in Manhattan. She cannot keep our apartment as clean as you keep your whole country (which is much larger), though I suspect I am the reason why.

My wife's name is Laura.

Back to my point, Prince Albert II (Can I call you Prince A? Thanks.), I believe that I can be of assistance to your distinguished nation. While visiting your clean country, Laura and I watched the changing of the guard. We were quite impressed at their punctuality; the event occurred promptly at 11:55 AM, as advertised. Your military's leadership is to be commended. I struggle to get to conference calls on time, but I am working on it.

I used to be in the military, but I was more punctual back then. And I liked the spiffy outfits.

Anyway, it is my military skill that may be of assistance to you. I noticed that your punctual guards could improve their drill and ceremony skills. They march well, and the drummers perform beautifully. Specifically, I could help with "about face".

Oh, I almost forgot. When I was in the army, we used to call it "D&C". You know, like "drill and ceremony"? D&C for short. Get it? I think it's cute.

Okay, about face. I noticed that your guards struggled with it. I used to be quite good at about face. Very good in fact. In the army, we did a lot of marching. I did some extra marching because I was on the color guard. We marched extra for ceremonies. They were great displays of military respect and affection. I was a rifleman, which meant I carried a rifle. The rifles you gave your guards are better though, just to let you know.

Right, about face. I have an idea. You could bring me back to Monaco, and I can teach it to your guards! It won't take long. But, if I'm going to fly all the way to Monaco from New York, I'd like to stay for a few days. It's only fair.

Here's what I suggest. You fly me to Monaco (coach is fine). Please fly my wife with me (Remember Laura? She liked Monaco a lot. She likes clean places, and I make it hard for her to like where we live.). It will be more fun for all of us. Also, we'll need a room for a few nights. I don't mind paying for our meals, but I think it would be great if we were invited to the royal dining room by a certain someone! Hint, hint! We won't take any pictures this time; we know the rules.

I also want a medal; I think it would be appropriate. Your army's big thing seems to be protecting the palace and changing shifts. I am uniquely equipped to help. The about face is an important part of this mission. Besides, you give out medals for special "talents". I think this is a special talent. What's fair is fair  . . . 

Anyway, shoot me an e-mail if you want to talk about my offer. You can do it through MySpace. Oh, even better. Leave a message on my blog(!). That would be so much fun. I put myself at your service.

Humbly Yours,


PS -- Laura says hi.

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Features -- May 2008 -- Beginning Month Issue