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June 2008 Volume 10 , Issue 6 submit to us!

by Samantha Weiner -- Contributing Author [Email This Story]

I support environmental causes of all sorts. I have Energy Star appliances. I recycle what I can. I cannot afford solar panels or windmills of my own and would have no idea how to actually go about building these on my own. I also cannot afford a lot of the products that are out there...

With that said, during the Reagan years, the U.S. government spent millions of dollars researching the toxicity of cow farts. What do they produce and how does it affect the environment? I wonder who's bright idea it was to go up to a cow's behind and stick meters and whatnot near the animal's buttocks...But I digress...So it was discovered that cows produce methane, and in large quantities apparently. They eat a lot of chlorophyll from grass and "cow feed," which when combined with the chemicals already in the animal's intestines, produces a gigantic, yet healthy... fart. Don't light a match near a cow's buttocks because the explosion could be as big as the bombs dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. And yes, if you've ever smelled a cow fart, your nostril hairs will wilt and fall out.

Wondering where I am going with this?

So awhile ago I was watching CNN in the morning and they have headlines scrolling across the bottom of the screen. And I decided to read what was going by... Apparently environmentalists want to change what bovines eat to reduce the emission of methane into the environment. I thought I read the scroll wrong. So I waited for them to start the headlines over again. Turns out I read it correctly. Then I burst out laughing because with all that's happening in the world--that's a headline! Next I began to think....there are more people in this world than cows, yes? And humans produce sulfur and methane and gosh knows what else when they fart and belch--some how I do not think cows are the sole cause of greenhouse gas emissions! Cows have been around a long time and to think they are the sole cause of air pollution and depletion of the ozone is ridiculous! I think the cutting down of trees, the never ending construction of buildings, some businesses (like anything with a smoke stack), automobiles, etc. are greater causes for air pollution then a cow farting or belching. You cannot reprimand an animal for doing something that is as natural as breathing. Sure it's funny...there's no reason we can't make fun of it...but to punish an animal for it is absurd. It's not like the cows are posing naked in Playcow or anything...

So just when I think I've heard it all...a friend of mine tells me she read in the Drudge Report that the UK wants to tax cow flatulence, whether it be oral or anal. I thought she was joking, but of course she wasn't. How in the world are you going to tax something you cannot see, and may not even hear? Are you going to equip cows with special monitors that can detect methane? Are you going to make the cow or the farmer pay? Why not pay a fine for cow pies? See a few meadow muffins on the ground? Well that's a $500 fine! If I were a cow I’d go on strike!

Does anyone else see the stupidity in this?

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Features -- June 2008 -- Beginning Month Issue