Charles Darwin meets Noah in heaven. Naturally, the curious biologist has some questions for the world's most famous seafaring zookeeper. Here is a transcript of their conversation!
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Darwin: There's not a lot of information on your family background in the Book of Genesis, which most scholars speculate was either authored or compiled by Moses. For instance, we never learn the name of your wife.
Noah: Yes, I'm afraid old Moses was a bit of a chauvinist. He mentioned me, my sons, my dad and grandpa by name, but not my wife. Her name was actually Betty Rosenberg. My dad was Lamech Goldstein. The Goldsteins had lived in the Tigris area for ages, and managed an apple orchard that had been in the family for generations. My granddad was well-known in the region and lived to a ripe old age. Heck, we use to kid around with him and say he was as old as Methuselah, which always made him chuckle! I was the first in my family to take an interest in boating.
Darwin: Why do you think you were selected to build the ark?
Noah: Well, I never got seasick while fishing out on the Tigris, and I was always fond of animals. In fact, I was president of the local Lions Club for nearly thirty years. So when the Boss upstairs was looking for someone to head up the ARC - the Animal Rescue Committee as we called it - He asked me to be chairman. I was pleased to accept. After that, my family always referred to the project as Noah's ARC.
Darwin: ARC? But historically it has always been spelt "ark."
Noah: Yeah, I know. Unfortunately Moses was also a terrible speller.
Darwin: According to the account in Genesis, it took you more than 100 years to build the ark? What took you so long?
Noah: Hey, give me a break, Chuck! After all, I was more than 500 hundred years old at the time. I just couldn't pound those nails as fast as I could when I was 200!
Darwin: Where on earth did you find all the nails and lumber to build the ark?
Noah: Well, my cousin - Ace Goldberg - owned a chain of hardware stores across the Mediterranean Basin. He was able to get me a real good deal on 10,000 square cubits of cypress.
Darwin: You know, over the millennia, a lot of people have wondered about animals back in those days. What about unicorns, did they really exist back then?
Noah: Oh sure. They were lovely creatures, very gentle. But those horns were an accident waiting to happen. In fact, none of the animals standing in line to board the ark wanted the unicorns behind them. So the poor guys kept getting pushed back towards the end of the line. As I recall, it was the rhinos that started the shoving - they always had a terrible inferiority complex around the unicorns. Anyway, the unicorns finally got tired of being pushed around, so they stomped off home to collect some more luggage. Well, by the time they returned, the boat had left, hadn't it.
Darwin: Perhaps you can shed light on one of the great historical animal mysteries of the planet. What really happened to the dinosaurs? Did they become extinct due to climate changes, were they out evolved by mammals, or was it the giant asteroid theory?
Noah: Ah yes, actually my wife was to blame for that little incident. When Betty saw the two T-Rexs coming aboard the boat she blocked the entrance and wiggled her finger at me and said, "Noah Goldstein, I am not having those messy T-Rexs aboard my boat. Do you know how much dino-dung they will produce in 40 days? I'll not be cleaning up that mess. I'm sorry, either the T-Rexs stay behind, or I will!" Well, naturally I had to send the T-Rexs away. They were very disappointed.
Darwin: But what about the thousands of other dinosaur species?
Noah: Yeah, they were really ticked off too. In fact, they boycotted the ark in solidarity with the T-Rexs and refused to come on board. They immediately filed a class action lawsuit against us, claiming that we were guilty of species profiling. Well, we were due in court on the following Monday morning, but it was a miserable day, so we all stayed home in the ark. Just as well, really, it poured the whole day.