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October 2010 Volume 12 , Issue 10 submit to us!

by Boyd Garriott -- Contributing Author [Email This Story]

I say that my relationship with pickup lines has been a love/hate one, but to be honest, it's been more of just a hate relationship. Pickup lines have not worked well for me in the past. I'm pretty sure that it's because I don't believe in disrespecting women, and that's generally the point of a pickup line.

For example, the first pickup line I used went something like this: "Hey, I respect you for who you are as a person." It got me nothing but mocking, anger, and a kick to the shin. That was in second grade.

Once I realized that line was no good, I picked myself up and decided to move on to bigger, better lines. I thought that perhaps my line was not thoroughly understood, so I decided to make my next pickup line attempt more explanatory. It went roughly along these lines: "I think you are a good person. I don't think this only due to your physical attributes but also for your mental competence and moral codes that you follow without weakness even in the most pressuring of scenarios. I personally hold you in high regard, and I think many others do as well. It is for these reasons that I would like to formally request that through mutual consent, you will allow me to ‘pick you up'." This went even worse than the first line. I tried this one multiple times, and everyone turned me down. It started by being rejected by the prettiest girl in my elementary school, moving down to the most degenerate one, and eventually even my own mother. None of them were ‘picked up'. None of them were even close to being ‘picked up'. It was time for a new strategy.

Once I reached junior high, my mind began to mature, and I began to see the blunder in my former pickup lines. I was complimenting my possible future mate too much. It made them feel good, too good, too good to be ‘picked up' by me. I needed to make a line that would make a girl feel my equal, even my inferior if necessary. I tried it out, and I don't know how any girl would've been able to turn me down after hearing these smooth talking words: "Despite your numerous flaws, and I do mean numerous, I find you to be a woman of great potential. It would be your honor, if you were to accept being ‘picked up' by me." Needless to say, this line fell flat like all the rest. I realized later that calling girls ‘women' in junior high was probably the worst part of that line. However, the tide was about to turn in my favor.

In high school, I realized the mistakes of all my former pickup lines; they were too formal! I needed to be a casual machine of informality and careless bliss. I needed to be a ‘cool cat'.

In order to do this, I devised a pickup line that was superior to all my other pickup lines in terms of carefully planned informality. It went like this: "Hey babe (note the informal term for the female gender), me and you should get together sometime. I think it would be really awesome. What do you think sugar?" This line didn't bring me success, but it was the closest yet. I think what I was lacking was form. I just couldn't pull the informality off due to my vernacular, but I have been practicing and writing more pickup lines. For all you who have followed my journey, I would like to share a list of guidelines with you, guidelines that will make you a chick magnet when you make your own pickup lines. They are as follows:

1.) Don't refer to the target as a woman. Even grown women don't enjoy this in a pickup line.

2.) Be respectful, but not too respectful. Not too respectful at all.

3.) Be informal. Don't use words like ‘attributes', ‘competence', or ‘scenarios'.

4.) Don't pronounce italics noticeably.

5.) Be more attractive than you actually are.

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Features -- October 2010 -- Beginning Month Issue