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March 2012 Volume 14 , Issue 3 submit to us!
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A+Genius+Walks+into+a+Bar
by Diane Steinbach -- Staff Writer [Email This Story]

So, I had to take my MacbookPro to the Apple store last night to deal with a monitor issue. I tried to avoid it, but it was an inevitability.

Over the last two days I was finding that when opening up my sleeping laptop the screen would light up, then go black. I looked up my computer issue online and tried to troubleshoot it myself (cause you know, I pretty much think I can fix anything myself) and found out that computers made in 2008 have an NVidia card, that is defective and that Apple was replacing, free of charge. The faulty issues with the card were exactly the issues I was experiencing.

What could be better? I get to have my 2008 laptop, which is all set up the way I like it, fixed for FREE! Woo hoo.

I looked up the nearest Apple store, and found one in the next town over at the mall. Norm, my hubby, was home early to go to the eye doctor and said he'd take me afterwards. Wow, things are really going my way! What could be better? I can go to the Mall without having to stress out over getting there!

I make my reservation online,  . . . . because I have to. You can't just call, and discuss your issue, or confirm your recall or anything. You have to either "reserve a spot with a Genius" at the store, or pay for a tech-conversation . . .  pay $50. mind you, to talk to some condescending dude.

Not that I have anything against condescending dudes, necessarily. I don't want to pay anybody $50 to talk to them. Not even dirty talk. I am a chick. I can get that for free if I want it.

(and I do.)

(call me.)

Anyway, I digress.

So, I make the appt. for 6pm and we arrive at 6:02 and go flip-flopping our way through the mall (cause its still warm here in Florida.) I arrive at the Apple store at 6:05pm.

This is the first time I have seen an Apple store. It's like a 1980s disco bar without the shoulder pads. It's loud, crowded, full of hair gel and attitude. I liked it in the 80s, but now that I am old and cranky, I no likey so much.

So, I fight my way to the back where they house the "Genius Bar." I approach a dude with pierced eyebrows and an iPad (which could have also been pierced.) He is apparently the Genius bouncer, cause although the Genius' are all standing around bored and diddling their phones, you may not approach them without talking to Mr. Pierce. I wait for 5 minutes while he taps other people's names into his iPad to check their appointments.

I get to the front of Mr. Pierce's line and tell him I have a 6 pm appt. and he says, "well, after 10 minutes it automatically cancels."

I look around the store. No clocks.

"Well, what time is it? It's like F-ing Vegas in here! Where are the clocks?"

"its 6:11"

Bastard.

By the way, I think I am officially the first person to curse in an Apple store.

So, he squeezes me in at 6:30 and I stand by with my laptop clutched to my chest, angrily staring down the Genius' while I wait. Norm is in a good mood and is goofing around on the supplied computers while I plan my "Occupy Apple" movement, figuring I can storm the Genius desk and beat the smarmy, self-satisfied looks off their faces with my laptop.

Norm plays "minesweeper."

Eventually I win the lottery and get "selected" by Matt to approach the Wizard to fix my computer. I explain my issues while he boredly thumbs through his email on his iPhone. He flips open my laptop, presses a couple of buttons and starts it up. Opens the lid, closes the lid, opens the lid, closes the lids, opens, closes, opens, closes, ops, cls . . . .

It appears to be working fine.

My head explodes.

I say, "Ok, so, what did you do there with your fingers?"

He doesn't want to tell me . . . .

Finally, after a bunch of "pwetty pweese" he tells me about a Command button-pushing combo that fixes it temporarily.

He then tells me my computer doesn't get the free fix, and that I would have to pay 1000 + to solve my problem.

The rest of my body now explodes.

I decide to live with the problem until the laptop explodes.

I loved Steve Jobs. I hate the Apple stores.

 
 
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Features -- March 2012 -- Beginning Month Issue
 








Diane Steinbach
-- Additional Work --