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July 2012 Volume 14 , Issue 7 submit to us!

by A.A. Garrison -- Contributing Author [Email This Story]


I don't know if today was good or bad.

Was sent to the psychiatric minister, or ministress actually, a woman. Orange jumpsuit so unmarried, but not my type. Her brain-nozzle's kind of crooked, too, throws off her whole face. She asks why I'm there, as if she hasn't been briefed, and so I give her the story -- I'm depressed, didn't hail Xorbglot heartily enough, got called out on it. So she talks with me not two minutes, and the next thing I know, I've got an antidepressant. Little blue pills imprinted with Xorbglot, all four heads. Cute. They go in my feeding tube.


Only two days on the pills, and I'm already not liking this. Dry mouth, itching, headache. Loose, loose bowels. And these are supposed to make me feel better? I shouldn't even be on this crud anyway.

I tried and tell her, the shrink, how I wasn't really depressed, at least in a clinical sense. Everything was aces until last year, with the alien invasion and the mass enslaving and the itchy little brain-taps in the foreheads, but she was having none of it. It's all just "brain chemistry," she said, I have an "imbalance." And I admit, it all sounds good on paper, but it's just not true! Before last year, I was fine, no blues. Then there was the war ... us herded into the hive-homes ... the IV food ... the constant harvestings of brainjuice ... working the mines to get Xorbglot and co their metals -- it's depressing. The world is depressing, now. Don't I have a right to be depressed? I --

Ugh. Bathroom time again.


Wow, I thought it was bad before. Now my mouth's cracked like desert hardpan, I live on the toilet, there's a discharge. Also, it seems I'm getting the dreaded alien-limb syndrome I've heard so much about (my right hand likes to get swingy and slappy, not good when I'm down in the mines and it's wielding a pick). I'm developing a tendency to kick too, though this only acts up on rainy days. I'll have to mention these to 0837891, my shrink.

I will say this, though: I had a flush today. Up in my head, like, this warm, sparking sensation, reminiscent of when my wife used to do this thing in bed, God bless her soul. The antidepressant, presumably. I'm still not sold on the whole screwy-chemical scenario, but that flush sure felt good, no denying that.


I'm finally back.

Man, what an ordeal. Ten days in the Chastening Tank -- and it wasn't even my fault! Was this stupid alien-limb thing, acting up while one of Xorbglot's guys juiced my brain. I slapped his leftmost head, right on the little asshole-looking thing below the middle eye, and whoa, they don't like that. I tried to explain, but they're just waiting for an excuse to throw you in the Tank. Probably gives them hard-ons, if they have anything to get hard.

Oh well. They did keep giving me my depression dope, at least. I'm feeling those flushes more and more. 0837891 says that's a good sign.


Something interesting today. There's this guy in my mining chain-gang, 7791111, and he's always smiling big, as cheerful as can be. So I ask him if he's on the dope, and he shakes his head and waves me close, like he's sharing a secret. "It's all attitude," he tells me, and goes into this big long speech (which wasn't really long, I just had to take a few bathroom breaks and explain why I kept slapping him). Basically, he says, happiness is all you, that it's your decision to be happy or sad. Not so much the state of the world, but how you respond to it, see.

It kind of pissed me off, hearing this -- we're playing mole for a race of multi-headed, slime-trail-leaving aliens, and it's my fault I'm depressed? I felt like slapping him a good one and passing it off as the alien-limb ... but, thing is, I sensed truth there. Still I resisted, playing my right-to-be-depressed card, but 7791111 trumped it, saying I did have a right to be, question is, did I want to be. "After all, you're the one depriving yourself of happiness," he finished up, then went back to mining, his smile giving back the light.

Bastard. I hate when people're right. But at the same time ... I don't hate him at all. The flushes kind of drown out the hate, and other things too. Like ... well, I forget now -- I forget things, now -- but the flushes help. And they're getting steadier, lasting longer. I love things. Everything. Is it wrong to love a toilet?


Saw my shrink again today. She looked prettier, for some reason I can't put my finger on. Just had her brain juiced? A fresh head-shaving? I dunno. Come to think of it, the whole world seems prettier. Maybe just something in the air, though I wouldn't know -- my nose has been clogged solid, from the dope.

Anyway, I mentioned 7791111's philosophy to her, the attitude-over-circumstance stuff, and she was very interested, wrote everything down, especially 7791111's number. Maybe she'll have him in, next time, to help adjust my attitude, get me off the pills maybe. Of course, I don't know if I'd want that. The flushes ... they do not feel bad.


Been considering the whole attitude thing, and I think there's something to it. Been refining my attitude, looking at the bright side, and it's helping. For instance, Xorbglot and co -- are things so bad? We get three squares a day, conveniently pre-chewed. Zero unemployment, ditto for homelessness and crime. Free medical care. So what if it's by coin of twenty-hour workdays and free access to our cerebral fluids? I'm okay with that. More than okay. The power of attitude, right there. Moving mountains and splitting seas, etc.

I'm not going off the dope, though. I like the dope, now -- more attitude refinement. Besides, Xorbglot says it's good, and I think he/she's right. Why stop? The side effects aren't so bad. Even aspirin has side effects. Would you stop aspirin just because you've refined your attitude? No sir.

Been looking for 7791111, to tell him my progress, but he hasn't been on the chain gang these last couple days. Wonder if he got transferred.


Man, these side effects are really there. Mouth is whatever is past dry, saliva a memory. I wear special underwear. Got this funny numbness now, all over, though this does cancel out the hellish itching, so maybe a blessing in disguise. My right arm's got a life of its own, but this also has its upside: I no longer have to work the mines. I've been promoted to Pet, for an officer named Cockzorgoth; he finds my wild arm amusing, or his right head does, at least. I have to dance and eat fish heads, but it's all good. Same for the antidepressant. Side effects, shmide effects. Even aspirin has side effects.

Still no 7791111, but that's all good, too. I asked Cockzorgoth about him, and he said 7791111 is on vacation. Imagine that. Told you: these alien fellows aren't so bad. Even aspirin has side effects.

Can't wait for 7791111 to come back, he'll be so proud of me. I've really adjusted my attitude, a full one-eighty, though I don't quite remember how this came about. Don't remember much, these days, but this too may have its advantages. Even aspirin has advantages.


Shrink's upping my dosage. I told her I was okay, it was all okay, I've adjusted my attitude and my dose is fine and she didn't need to, but she insisted. "On Xorbglot's orders," she said, and that was good enough for me. Xorbglot loves us very much.

And how pretty 0837891 is. Our heads have the same shape. We like the same color IV-gruel. Both crazy for Xorbglot. She's on the antidepressant, herself. We'll be going out, during next week's coitus hour. I'm looking forward to it, as I do everything now.


Woohoo, this stuff is great. Twice the dose = twice the attitude adjustment. Left me blind in one eye, my cage has to be lined with newspaper, and my left arm has joined my right in rebellion, but that just makes me funner for Cockzorgoth, who I love, as much as 0837891 and my brain-spigot and my toothbrush and the puke-green sky and everything else and Xorbglot. Especially Xorbglot. I won't let him/her down again, not on my life. The Invasion Day rally is next week, and so whenever my hands are again my own, I've been practicing my hails.

All hail Xorbglot!

All hail Xorbglot!

All hail Xorbglot!


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Features -- July 2012 -- Beginning Month Issue

A.A. Garrison
-- Additional Work --